stuff white people like
9:02 AM
Over the course of a calendar year, white people have ample opportunities for themed parties and drinking: Halloween, St. Patrick’s Day, and Cinco De Mayo are the most popular officially sanctioned holidays. But that does not mean that white people shy away from creating their own impromptu themes for parties and evenings- mustache party! ’90s prom! Designing Women!
Lander begins with a semicoloned sentence recapping the popular drinking days of the year, and then quickly transitions into a list of impromptu themes. His abundant examples highlight the tackiness of "white people" and their tendency to overdrink.
During the month of December, white people face an especially difficult challenge. This is the time of year when parties and drinking are most appropriate, but the most obvious theme of Christmas must be avoided. This is because Christmas forces Christianity upon others, and though their ancestors had no problem with this activity, modern white people are quite disgusted by the idea. Hanukkah parties are fun, but a bit too exclusive, and a Kwanzaa Party requires an enormous amount of physical, mental, and ironic labor that can only be done by the most elite of white people.
White people needed to find a party that was completely without religious affiliations, but still connected enough to the idea of Christmas that they could serve eggnog and hot toddies. The answer: ugly sweater parties.
These parties feature festive drinks, Christmas music by Sufjan Stevens, and most importantly, intentionally hideous sweaters. These ugly sweaters provide white people with an invisible shield that protects them from any criticism that might emerge if any Christianity accidentally slips into the evening.
“Hey man, I love that Burl Ives song, but um, you let Silent Night slip into the mix. That’s kind of awkward because, you know, the Crusades?”
White person points to sweater and makes a funny face.
Order is restored.
If you find yourself invited to one of these parties, you must begin your preparations immediately. Craftier white people have been searching used clothing stores since last Christmas, and so you should not expect to find anything of significant ironic value. Instead, your best hope is to see if any of your family members have an old sweater lying around.
“Hey man, nice sweater. It’s so ugly.”
“Yeah, when my family first got to this country we had to shop at Goodwill, this is the first one my father bought to get him through his first winter here. Good thing they didn’t have these parties back then, right? He would have died.”
“Geez, man, I’m sorry, you can cut in line for egg nog.”
He adopts a very logical structure, addressing the problems of having religious parties for the sake of celebrating -- problems only "the most elite of white people" can avoid. But fortunately, he proposes a solution for everybody else, and he does it dramatically with a colon: "ugly sweater parties."
His incorporation of dialogue at a hypothetical Christmas party both entertains and classifies white people into a homogeneous mass. The reader begins to see whites as all programmed to react and speak in the same way. He furthers his stereotypes of his subject by normalizing the search for the ugly holiday sweater, which cleverly expresses how strange he considers his...less...pigmented brothers.
In item #1 to #118 to #countlessly many, Lander remains detached and observant, as if he isn't a member himself of the species he describes.
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